Wrongology and the Setting of Goals

Big milestone approaches...only one chapter to go in The How of Happiness.  Now that I have pretty much mastered happiness activity # 9, "savouring life's joys" (nice double entendre given that 2 of my inspiring friends are named Joy), I am moving on to happiness activity # 10, "committing to your goals".  As a refresher, remember that Sonja Lyubomirsky recommends that to capitalize on happiness, we should increase our skills and participation in those areas things that we already do well.  This is where I confess that I was already a master joy savourer (is that a word?).  I'm also really good at setting and achieving goals - it's setting the right goals that can be a bit of a stumbling block.

I hate to let too many posts go by without citing something from www.TED.com, so here's what I learned last week when I watched a talk by Kathryn Shulz, editor of Grist Magazine and author of Being Wrong. Her talk title was "Wrongology".  If you're as busy as I am and you can't spare 15 minutes to listen to her talk, here's the 20 second summary:

"Finding out that you're wrong feels humiliating, embarrassing, even devastating in the most dire circumstances.  But what about the time that passes between BEING wrong and LEARNING that you're wrong?  How does that feel?  Well, it turns out that it feels exactly like being right."

Since hearing this talk, I have been sharing this insight with almost everyone I encounter.  Mostly people look at me with that "what will she make me listen to next?" face, but I just charge right on through.  I mean this is revelatory stuff here and Kathryn Shulz got a standing ovation at TED 2011 - no mean feat considering that every single person (and the married ones too) in the audience is a genius and had delivered a talk of their own.

How many times in history has someone made a decision that seemed brilliant in execution but was viewed as abject and often tragically failure in hindsight?  Thalidamide, anyone?  What about Chamberlain's views on Hitler?  Trojan Horse memories?  Or the time that I made the decision, immediately after updating my work voicemail, to blow off a little steam about my frustration with the voicemail system, only to discover upon arriving at work, that I had failed to disconnect before my rant - nothing like your boss saying, "good morning, have you heard your voicemail greeting today?" (sorry again, Michael, and see you on June 2!).  Or the time I sincerely introduced myself to someone at work only to have them say, "yes, we met yesterday when I explained to you in some detail the corporation's asset management system".  Some "wrongs" are just embarrassing gaffes that will undoubtedly be forgotten before your fifth marriage.  Others, though, can have lasting impacts not only on your own life, but on the lives of others who may be caught in the fall-out.

So, how do we decide which goals to pursue?  I make choices, good and bad, every single day.  I for one would like to become better at picking the right goals and so I look to the experts who have studied this with scientific excellence.  Here's what I have learned:

1)  To gain clarity, think very carefully about the person you want to be - the very best "you" that you can imagine.  Now think about the legacy you would like to leave.  If your great-great-grand-daughter decides to research her family tree, what would you like her to say about you?  Take the time to write down how you would like to be remembered.

2)  As you plan new career goals, retirement goals, or just where to spend your next vacation, ask yourself this question:  will this make me more like the best "me" I can be, or less like that ideal person?

3)  Start to apply that same simple question to everyday activities.  Before you snap at your husband for buying the cheap plastic wrap (guilty!!), or tell someone what you really think (almost always a regrettable decision), consider whether or not that brings you closer to or further from that best "you".

4)  Once you decide on your next goal, do it with gusto.  If you want to skydive, be the best dang skydiver that ever lived (yes, this particular glory may be short but the point is, be good at it!).  How do you gain this kind of technical mastery over the pursuit you have chosen?  Well, start by honestly assessing your own limitations - if you are terrified of heights, sky-diving may not be realistic - look for things that match your interests and abilities.  Study the work of others who have chosen a similar path.  Seek advice and counsel as needed - remember, "pride goeth before a fall".

5)  Times change and so do we.  Don't cling to a goal whose time is past.  Be prepared to shift your goals.

6)  Be prepared to "endure a great deal of drudgery and hard work, obstacles and stress, and, at times, personal sacrifice and failure...knowing that when we avidly dedicate ourselves to the pursuit of a dream, we are taking charge of our destinies and gaining insight into ourselves" (Lyubomirsky).

Still need a little inspiration?

Watch and listen to Martin Luther King's 1963 "I Have a Dream" speech: