If you are not a person of faith as I am, you may at first glance find the references to Biblical verses irrelevant or even annoying. If that's the case, give them a closer read - there is indeed much truth in ancient wisdom and you do not need to be a believer to recognize the wisdom.
1) There is Only Love: In The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin talks about asking friends for advice about how to reduce conflict with her husband. One friend's response has truly transformed my relationships. It is this: in relationships that really matter, when you feel the urge to say something critical, sharp or unkind, pause for a moment and say to yourself, "There is Only Love". When you reframe whatever you were about to say within this new context, trust me - your words and your heart will soften.
This passage from I Corinthians 13 is used at many weddings and yet it actually describes a mature and unconditional love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres... Love never fails."
2) Trust More: I also think of this as my "Conquer Fear" fundamental. I am one of those people who are naturally prone to pessimism and to fear. While I embrace change, I am sometimes fearful of unexpected change over which I have little control. Years ago, when I was a single mom, my two little girls and I drew great strength from the following passage. Whenever I have turned to these words in times of crisis, they have never failed to restore a sense of calm:
"When I am afraid I will trust in you, in God whose word I praise." Psalm 56:3
3) Accept Care: There are some things in life that we just can't change. One of them is that I am a woman and I live in a culture where the role of women is a little fuzzy. Although many women work at challenging jobs outside our homes, the burden of care within our families almost always falls to us. But who cares for us, the caregivers? The answer lies in Max Lucado's wonderful book, Travelling Light and it can be found in the first verse of Psalm 23. My mother-in-law is a wonderful woman whose life has been beautifully rich and textured. Her family heritage is firmly rooted in the Gaelic Scots and her father's Gaelic Bible rests on a magnificent family heirloom chest of drawers in my home. This verse translated from the Gaelic goes like this:
"For God alone is my Shepherd. He will take care of me."
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| My Mom Reviewing her advice |
4) Be Silent - Advice from my Mother: It will surely warm my mother's heart to learn that this piece of advice she gave me (and that I bet your mother gave you!) turns out to be the most valuable piece of advice I have ever received: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." This sounds so deceptively simple and yet much of how we navigate our way through our social networks is by gossiping. I have been as guilty of this as anyone and am trying really hard to say only kind things about others. It takes concentration!
I love what the Apostle Paul had to say about gossipers in his letter to the people of Thessalonica:
"We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy, they are busybodies. Such people we command to settle down and earn the bread they eat." Words of wisdom indeed...
5) The "Golden Rule" ..aaahhhh, the good old "Golden Rule" - the one we think of as an outdated adage and yet it plays a vital role in how we perceive our relationships with others. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", or perhaps more correctly worded as "Do to me as you would like me to do to you" - now that little change does subtly change how we perceive the message, doesn't it? While some of us learned this at Sunday School, a version of this concept of reciprocity exists in every major religion and was discussed by many ancient philosophers.
I have always thought of myself as a wonderfully selfless individual, willingly sacrificing my own needs to help others. Well, was I deluding myself! I have learned 2 important things - first, we tend overstate our "good" qualities, and second, I may not always have been cheerful about giving to others at all. In fact, sometimes I have felt downright resentful about helping others. And second, reciprocity matters to me - I feel better when I receive something back in return, even if it is a thank you sincerely said. Since I have refocused on this as one of my fundamental truths I have become cheerful about doing things for others and what a difference that change in attitude makes to the receiver!
6) Peace: I have always been one of those people who craves solitude and quiet. I wish I enjoyed hustle bustle environments because I would probably be less frustrated. I find noise that is uncontrollable and intermittent to be incredibly distracting and so I am always looking for a way to carve a few moments of peaceful calm in every day. My friend, Allan, had this quote on his Facebook page:
"Know God, know peace. No God, no peace."
...and as my Grandma has reminded me forever and a day, just silently saying her own translation of Psalm 46:10 can help me to transcend the noise of the maddening crowd:
"Be still, be calm, and be quiet and know that I am your God."
7) Kindness: Have you ever intentionally practiced random acts of kindness? Since determining that this is one of my fundamental truths I take great joy in both random and planned acts of kindness. Here's some things that I have done that were random and unplanned: giving the person ahead of of me at the grocery store the $1.27 she was short; letting people in on a busy street (this may count as a miracle in my city!); paying for the person behind me at the Tim Horton's drive through; sending a "you are fabulous" card to a friend who wasn't even sad about anything; cleaning my daughter's bathroom; and the ideas go one - try it - you might like it!
"The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5: 22-23
8) Worry Less: I'm a mom so I think it may be impossible for me to stop worrying altogether, so I'm aiming to worry less. So far, I haven't quite perfected this, but lots of other really clever people have pointed out some useful things.
Here's some ancient wisdom you may want to ponder:"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." Leo Buscaglia
"Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them". Author Unknown
"If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today." E. Joseph Cossman
"People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross." Author Unknown
"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere." Glenn Turner
"For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe." Author Unknown
More wise words about worry
9) Attitude: In 2010, I developed a challenging conflict with a person I saw very regularly. It was one of those relationships that didn't seem to be mendable and became my first focus of every day. When I knew I had to encounter this person I would feel instantly heavier and my mood darkened as certain contact approached. I became almost reclusive in my efforts to avoid this one person. This was having a profoundly negative impact on my happiness level and I was even considering moving to get away from it! As part of my Happiness Quest, I considered whether there was something that I could do to change my own attitude and then I remembered the Epictetus quote I referred in an earlier post: "Suffering is caused by things we can't control or by failing to act when we have the power to do so". I decided that I did have the power to do something and I started out by simply repeating this verse several times when I knew that was about to encounter this person:
9) Attitude: In 2010, I developed a challenging conflict with a person I saw very regularly. It was one of those relationships that didn't seem to be mendable and became my first focus of every day. When I knew I had to encounter this person I would feel instantly heavier and my mood darkened as certain contact approached. I became almost reclusive in my efforts to avoid this one person. This was having a profoundly negative impact on my happiness level and I was even considering moving to get away from it! As part of my Happiness Quest, I considered whether there was something that I could do to change my own attitude and then I remembered the Epictetus quote I referred in an earlier post: "Suffering is caused by things we can't control or by failing to act when we have the power to do so". I decided that I did have the power to do something and I started out by simply repeating this verse several times when I knew that was about to encounter this person:
"Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10
Lo and behold, my attitude did start to brighten. Then I started to apply some of my other fundamental truths. It turns out that you can apply the "there is only love" fundamental to anyone. Random acts of kindness have also helped, the application of my mother's age old advice and the Golden Rule have been vital, but so has my 10th Fundamental Truth...
10) Planks: Have you ever wondered what was wrong with all the other people??
"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:5
It's probably obvious, but boy oh boy is it easy to forget that we often over-estimate both our own positive qualities and the negative qualities of others. I decided that perhaps I should work on repairing the parts of me that needed attention instead of looking for the faults of others and blaming them for my misery. As the 2010 reigning queen of negativity, criticism came easily to my lips. I am making a very conscious effort to think about what I could do differently to improve a relationship or situation - a much better perspective!
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